Cruelty's Pity
by IndianSummer
Summary: Grace Polk left Luke Girardi fifteen years ago. Now, as she finds the courage to leave her husband, it's to Luke she turns. Can they pick up the pieces now, even though both have children and other priorities in their lives?
1. Prologue

Title: Cruelty's Pity

Author: Indian Summer

Date Published: 22.02.2005

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, plot, or anything else related to "Joan of Arcadia," and the quote at the beginning is from Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel's Dart, which all of you should read.

Author's Note: Thank you to my betas- Payton Tyler, Lys, and Amber.  
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"When Love cast me out, it was Cruelty who took pity upon me."

Had she been asked when she'd lost her footing in life, when she'd been flung headlong into this dark abyss of nullity, when her world had flipped upside down and left the orbit, hurtling around and around in fumbling circles...

Well, she wouldn't have been able to answer. It was a gradual thing, she supposed, like the decreasing of Earth's magnetic fields every few hundred thousand years until the poles flipped. Even looking back, though, she couldn't analyze the past any better than she'd tried to the day everything was ruined. She couldn't point to a day on the calendar fifteen years previous and say "This is the day I realized it wasn't going to work," or point to a holiday and have the realization sink in that there was a _reason_ it hadn't been fun.

To her, it just _was._ The days and the nights blended together, and there was a before and after, but no 'between.'

There were the days where she used to consider herself happy, but now she found herself naive. Those were the days when she'd return home to _him_ and feel like the luckiest woman in the world that there'd be dinner waiting on a table and a man who wanted to share his life with her.

There were the days where she was miserable. Those were the days after she arrived home from work an hour early and sat idle in her car as she watched him kiss his lab partner on the front steps of their home, the pale yellow paint she'd chosen a backdrop for their affair.

Those were the days she wondered if he'd ruined her for other men, if she'd ever believe in a little four letter word like love again.

She hadn't known then, though, that if Luke Girardi had ruined her for other men, Brett Jamison would be the final blow.  
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Luke got the phone call at ten minutes to midnight, right as he was stepping out of the shower. If it had been so much as a few minutes earlier or a few minutes later, he would've been either in the shower or drying his hair. He never would've known the phone had rung.

Their connection had always been like that, though. Even after fifteen years of almost no communication, it felt perfectly natural that Grace had called him in her moment of need.

Well, that's what he thought now that he looked back on it. When he'd picked up the phone and heard her voice, though- that crystalline vulnerability mixed with resentment and pain and uncertainty- it hadn't seemed natural to him then.

"Long time since we've talked," he heard her say, her voice oddly strained and quiet.

He was instantly nervous. "What's going on, Grace?" he asked, a few decibels louder than he'd intended. He shot a glance at Riley's bedroom door and was relieved to find it closed. "Are you okay?"

"I..." He heard her sigh. "No. I think I need help."

If he hadn't heard the urgency in her voice, Luke would've taken a moment to consider the absurdity of Grace Polk calling him in the middle of the night after fifteen years of avoidance and asking for _help._ He noticed it, though, and instead focused on the conversation at hand. "What's going on?"

"I- I can't explain right now, Luke. I'm coming back to Arcadia though, tomorrow afternoon. I already got the tickets. I just- I need someone at the airport."

Airport. Luke frowned. "Where are you?"

"Outside of London. My flight gets in at 4:20 PM tomorrow, your time. Will you...?" She trailed off, letting the question hang heavily in the air.

London. Luke felt a pang in his heart that he pushed aside quickly and looked toward Riley's room. He gulped. "I'll be there."  
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	2. Homecoming

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Grace had never been on time for anything, and Luke probably should've known that if there was anyone who could alter an international flight schedule, it was Grace. Luke drummed his fingers nervously against his leg as he waited, glancing at his watch every few minutes. _4:39. 4:42. 4:43. 4:47._

Then he saw her. He must have zoned out and missed the landing announcement, and he thought it was almost poetic. It was only for a second, but he was sure he'd seen a flash of her blonde hair as a crowd started filtering out of the gates.

Luke jumped to his feet and followed the crowd toward baggage claim, intent on finding Grace before she found her luggage.

He saw her as the jet-lagged passengers started to spread out around the carousel, back toward him and her hand holding tightly to a little girl's.

He'd been stupid. It had never occurred to him, even after he had done the same, that Grace would move on. He swallowed and approached them slowly, his heart pounding in his chest and more than a little lightheaded. He cleared his throat when he reached them. "Grace," he greeted, trying to keep his voice as nonchalant as possible.

She spun around and a smile that didn't quite make it to her eyes flooded over her face. "Hey. Luke." She gestured to the little girl. "This is my daughter, Evi."

Luke looked from mother to daughter and nodded. The resemblance was clear. Grace and Evi shared the same blonde hair, much more lustrous than Luke remembered. Evi's eyes were greener than Grace's, but her bone structure was similar. He dropped to his knee in front of Evi and smiled. "Hey Evi. I'm Luke. Your mom and I are... good friends. How old are you?"

Evi grinned and held up her right hand, spreading her fingers and thumbs to show Luke all five.

Grace cleared her throat and ruffled Evi's hair lightly. "She's four, not five."

"Almost five!" Evi piped up, her voice like that of an airy sprite.

Luke laughed as Grace rolled her eyes. "She'll be five in June. Still about three months away."

Luke nodded. "Well, let me just get your luggage and we'll get out of here. What do your bags look like?"

Grace's eyebrows shot to the ceiling. "I can get my own luggage."

"Mummy," Evi whined, tugging on Grace's arm.

Grace sighed. "My suitcase is black and Evi's is a light purple. I attached blue ribbons to both, and they have our tags."

"Cool."  
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Luke snuck a glance at Grace for the umpteenth time in the last twenty minutes as he directed his BMW onto the exit for Arcadia. She was staring out the window, her expression unreadable.

"Must be weird to be back home," he said quietly, and was rewarded by Grace jerking her head away from the window to look at him.

"It is." She glanced into the back seat where Evi was sound asleep. "I didn't really have a choice though."

Her tone told him not to go there, not to ask what had prompted that midnight phone call. So he didn't. "You must've been in England for a while now. Evi has an accent."

"I've lived there for almost eleven years now," Grace responded, glancing down at her hands.

Luke watched as she twisted something around her finger, guessing it was a wedding band. "When'd you... take that step?"

Grace looked up at him, surprised. She bit her lip and stared at him for a long moment, and Luke looked back at the road. "I was pregnant with Evi, and Brett thought we should... you know. His family would have disowned him if they found out he'd gotten a girl pregnant outside of marriage."

Luke thought of Riley and sighed. "Yeah."

They lapsed into an uncomfortable silence which Grace eventually broke. "What about you? Married? Have any kids?"

Luke shook his head. "Well, I have a kid. A daughter, Riley. But I'm not married."

Grace smiled. "How old is she? Your daughter?"

Luke paused. "She'll be fifteen in October." Grace's wince was almost imperceptible, but it was there. Luke cleared his throat. "It wasn't- we didn't stay together. She dropped Riley off and took off."

"You don't owe me an explanation," Grace murmured, returning her gaze to the passing city.

Luke sighed. "Where am I taking you? To your parents'?"

"No. I made reservations at the Ramada Inn. We're staying there until I make peace with my parents."

Luke swore under his breath and pulled over to the side of the road. "Grace," he said forcefully, waiting until she was looking at him to continue. "You aren't going to stay in some hotel. You can stay at my house until something better is worked out, but... I can't just drop you off at a hotel."

"Luke-"

"It's not up for debate."  
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Luke's house was a modest two stories, little like the stuffy mansion Grace had shared with Brett, a wedding present from his equally stuffy family.

As Luke turned off the ignition, Grace stared at the house, with its pale yellow walls and dark brown shutters. "It's beautiful," she murmured, "Quite a step up from our place during college."

Luke laughed. "Yeah, I guess it is." He handed Grace his key ring, house key out. "Riley's over at my neighbor's, so I'm going to go over and get her. You can, uh, make yourself at home."

Grace didn't move until Luke had disappeared into a neighbor's house, still too stunned by everything that had happened. She sighed, popping open her door and glancing at Evi in the back seat. "Evi, it's time to get up," she murmured, watching as Evi's tired eyes opened slowly.

Evi sat up and yawned. "Where are we?"

Grace looked over at Luke's house and sighed. "We're going to stay at Luke's for a few days, Baby. It's just temporary."

"I like Luke. He's nice."

You don't know him yet. "Yeah. He is."  
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"Yeah. He is."... 

The stairs had a deep red oak, almost mahogany, stain. Grace descended them slowly and glanced around the room below her, flooded with warm colors and textures. It didn't surprise her, really, that Luke's house would be so warm and comforting to her. What surprised her was that much of the furniture- from the brown leather sectional couch to the marble coffee table- were items she'd circled in catalogs years ago, when the idea of having that kind of money available was as distant as Sarah Polonski.

Grace froze when she heard the door open. "God, you're no fun. We were just _playing around_, Dad. Why can't I stay there? Jase was just-" The words died off as the girl entered the room and saw Grace on the stairs. "I swear one of these people is going to murder us in our sleep, Dad. There's shelters for them."

Luke looked embarrassed at the comment and grimaced in Grace's general direction. "No, Riley, this is an old friend, Grace. She's staying with us while she gets back on her feet."

Grace descended the stairs, unable to tear her eyes off the girl. She looked so much like _her._ Aside from Luke's sapphire eyes, the girl looked nothing like him. Her lips were full, a tender pink. Her hair was a raven-black, darker than the blackest obsidian under natural light.

Just. Like. Hers.

"Oh, I'm sorry... Grace. I didn't mean- my dad has a habit of taking in homeless people, and-"

"It's okay," Grace said slowly, her eyes still on the girl. She wore a navy pleated skirt and a white blouse partially concealed by a burgundy vest with "SBA" embroidered in golden thread. "Where do you go to school?"

Riley frowned, then glanced down at her vest. "Oh, right. Um, Sterling-Bentley Academy?"

"I'll have to check it out. I have a daughter who will be starting kindergarten this fall."

"Oh, um, cool. There's a K-8 building across the street." Riley glanced over at Luke. "I'm going to go upstairs now, work on my homework."

Luke and Grace watched as Riley darted up the stairs, Luke laughing quietly. "That's a first."

Grace smiled tensely and nodded. "She's beautiful, Luke."

"Thanks."  
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Steam billowed around the bathroom, fogging the mirrors and the glass stall, making her feel moist even after she'd turned off the shower. It turned out a hot shower had been just what Grace needed, so when she stepped out she felt oddly refreshed and ready to start the day... at 11 PM.

Luke had left her warm towels on the back of the door, and she smiled at his thoughtfulness as she wrapped the largest of three around her body, ignoring the pain that greeted her when the towel tugged at her breasts.

She stared at her reflection in the mirror for a moment, just thinking, before stepping out into the hallway.

"Whoa."

She halted in her footsteps, feeling like someone who'd just stepped out of a cheesy romance novel. "Luke. I was going to uh, get dressed."

His eyes swept over her from head to toe and he shook his head. "Don't. I think we should talk."

"I'd rather do that clothed. We never had a really good track record with that..."

"Funny." Luke crossed his arms over his chest. "I think I get it now."

Grace shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, well, I, uh, let me go get my robe and then we can talk."  
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After a moment's hesitation, Grace haddecided upon along silk robe Brett had given her for Mother's Day last year,as it was ironically more modest than her terry cloth one.

She met Luke in the kitchen, where he sat at a reddish brown wooden table, drinking from a mug. He handed her another, saying, "I was originally going to break out the nice wine for you, but I decided it wasn't the best idea."

Grace winced, intercepting the mug graciously anyway. "Is it...?"

"Decaf."

"Good."

Luke stared at her hard for a moment before continuing. "Have you seen a doctor?"

Grace shook her head. "No, I'm okay. It wasn't as bad as last time."

Luke nodded, scooting his chair closer to Grace's and pushing the fabric of her robe over her shoulder. He traced the line below her left clavicle, a purplish brown against ivory. "Did he do this to you? Brett?"

She looked away, uncomfortable. "Yeah."

"What about Evi? Did he ever hurt her?"

Grace shook her head quickly. "No. He could never..."

Luke's fingers continued with their ministrations, exposing more damage as he did so. "And did he know about the baby?"

Grace froze. "How'd you?"

"You're starting to show. Just a little bit. I wouldn't have even thought of it if you hadn't worn that sweatshirt today. It's March."

"March is cold here," she muttered, casting her head down.

"Grace..."

She nodded slightly, almost hoping he'd miss it. God, his hands felt soothing.

Luke swore under his breath. "You did the right thing."

"I know."

He sighed, pulling his hand away. "You've always been too self-sacrificing. Why'd it take a second life to make you leave?" He wrapped an arm loosely over her shoulder, ready to envelop her in a hug.

She'd forgotten how small she'd always felt next to Luke. She let herself lean forward just a bit, let herself give into the embrace just this once. "It wasn't just the baby," she murmured, "I realized how much I changed, how much I'd weakened. The old Grace Polk wouldn't have given him a second chance."  
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	3. Melisande

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"Riley, you have to leave for school in half an hour. If you miss your carpool, so help me God, you'll-"

Grace rolled over onto her side and pulled her pillow over her head as Luke's yelling invaded her dreams. She glanced at the alarm clock through bleary eyes, a red _6:45_ glowing back at her.

She sat up quickly, kicking the sheets off her bare legs and letting her feet drop to the ground. Evi would wake up soon, and Grace wanted to be there. Her daughter had never responded well to change, and waking up in an unfamiliar room wouldn't help.

Shuffling from the bed and throwing on a long robe, Grace paused at the door. Entering the hallway would mean confronting Luke, and after their conversation the previous night, she wasn't sure she was ready for that.

Heaving a deep breath, Grace edged the door open slowly, peeking down the hallway in the direction of Luke's voice. He stood outside Riley's door in black dress pants and an unbuttoned white shirt, tie loose around his neck. He turned his head slightly and caught her gaze.

Grace swore under her breath as he smiled.

"Morning, Grace. I wasn't sure if I should wake you up..."

God, how did he look so good in such a state of disarray? "Uh, it's fine. I'm just going to go check on Evi..."

"Oh, okay, she's downstairs. First door on the right."

Grace stared at Luke for a minute as he turned his attention back to Riley's door. "Thanks," she said slowly, shaking her head and turning to go downstairs.  
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"So, what's on your list for today?" Luke asked as he and Grace ate breakfast.

Grace gestured toward the living room, where Evi was watching television. "I have to get Evi enrolled in a school, find a place to stay, find a job, a pediatrician, obstetrician..."

"Well, I was going to offer to show you around this morning, since I don't have to go in for work until this afternoon. But if you're too busy..."

Grace frowned at the sliver of hurt that had crossed Luke's face. "No, no. That would work out nicely, actually. Arcadia's changed a lot since we... since I moved away, and I wouldn't even know where to start."

"Yeah?"

Grace nodded. "Yeah."

"I could call Kevin and Lily, see if they could watch Evi while we take care of everything."

Grace's eyebrows flew up in surprise. "They're still together? I would've thought..."

"Lily would've dumped him? Me, too. No, they're together. Two kids, too. Kenneth is going to be seven in September and Melisande will be- god, fourteen in April. I feel old.

"Melisande?" Grace asked.

Luke nodded. "Named after Lily's favorite character in some book."

"Oh." Grace bit her lip. "Let me talk to Evi and then you can call. She doesn't- she can be kind of shy."

"Okay."  
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There'd always been something so naturally beautiful about Grace that it was unearthly. Luke watched her from the doorway as she spoke in quiet tones with Evi, squatting down next to the little girl and gently squeezing her shoulder.

He knew he shouldn't be watching this, this private moment between mother and daughter, but he couldn't tear his eyes away. There was some silent understanding between Grace and Evangeline, some inherent connection, something he and Riley had always lacked.

He remembered the talks he and Grace would have in the middle of the night when they first moved in together.

They'd sit in bed and make small talk over ice cream or soda, Luke always too scared to make the first move and Grace just not caring. Grace had told him point blank she didn't want kids and she didn't want marriage when he'd asked her to move in with him, so if that's what he wanted, they should just break up on the spot.

Luke had laughed and told her they were barely done with their freshman year of college and kids were the last thing on his mind. Usually, the conversation would end there, with Grace cutting him off with a passionate kiss and straddling his lap.

It wasn't until a year and a half later, when Grace hadn't kissed him after his "We're only juniors in college, Grace, and I'm not ready for kids," that he'd realized that the sex was just a way to put off the conversation. Instead, Grace had broken into tears, telling him she didn't want to be a mother, that she was scared she'd end up like her mother, that she couldn't do this.

Even as he'd comforted her, pulling her to his side and running a hand lazily through her hair as his shirt was soaked by her tears and his words filled the silence, it had hit him like a freight train. He and Grace were living two entirely separate lives, at varying stages of existence and human growth, and the only place their lives overlapped was in the middle of the night. Grace was ready to start a family- she wanted one desperately; she was just afraid.

But Luke? He'd meant it when he said children were the last thing he was thinking about. He was a junior in college and he was planning on being in college for at least another nine years. He had planned his life out until he was thirty- it included working in a lab, groundbreaking experiments, and Grace.

It didn't include kids.

"Oh, Luke, I didn't see you there. Don't do that."

Grace's voice jarred Luke from his thoughts and he blinked rapidly, eyes and mind readjusting to the present. "Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't," Grace rolled her eyes. "You just seemed... out of it."  
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Luke pulled to a stop in front of Kevin and Lily's modest ranch. "Do you want to come in with me or...?" he asked, glancing over at Grace.

Grace shrugged. "I might as well. They know I'm back, so sooner or later...

"Good point," Luke sighed, pushing open his door and getting out. He made his way to the back door and helped Evi out before looking back over at Grace, who was standing uncomfortably next to the car. "You don't need to go in right now, if you don't want to," he reassured her, taking Evi's hand in his. "I'm sure Evi won't mind if I bring her inside, right Evi?"

Evi looked up at Luke through big emerald eyes and squeezed his hand tightly.

Grace glanced over at Luke and shook her head. "No, I'll go in."

"You sure?" Luke asked quietly, returning Evi's squeeze.

Grace rolled her eyes. "Will you stop treating me like I'm some kind of delicate-"

"I didn't mean that," Luke held up his hands in mock surrender. "Fine. Lets go inside." He gently tugged on Evi's hand, who fell into step behind him as he approached the house.

With another eye roll Grace followed, hands crossed over her stomach.  
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The first thing Grace noticed upon entering Kevin and Lily's home was the darkness. She looked at Luke curiously as she followed him down a hall, unsure about the dim lighting.

Luke opened a door slowly and ushered Grace inside. Grace was relieved to see a well-lit kitchen, and Kevin, Lily, and a little boy sitting around the table.

Luke cleared his throat, glancing around. "Hey, I think you remember Grace."

Kevin laughed good-naturedly and stood up to greet her. "Not well, but I remember her," he joked, laughing at Grace's expression. "What, did you always expect me to be confined to the chair?"

"Uh..." Grace wasn't sure what to say.

Kevin shrugged. "Well, I kind of still am. I can walk little distances- across the kitchen, you know? But not much further."

"He won't go to physical therapy," Lily sniped, shaking her head at Kevin.

"We've got enough to worry about as it is, Lily," Kevin responded, ruffling Kenneth's hair lightly. "Grace, this is our son, Kenny. Kenny, this is Uncle Luke's friend, Grace. And her daughter... Evangeline, right?"

Kenneth waved to Grace.

"She goes by Evi," Grace responded, as Luke pushed Evi forward to greet Kenneth and his parents.

"Where's Melisande?" Luke asked. "I'd like to say hi before we take off."

"Downstairs," Lily responded. "Just remember to close-"

"I know." Luke's eyes fell on Grace. "C'mon, I'll introduce you."  
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Melisande was a startlingly perfect combination of her parents' best traits. With hair as dark as still water in moonlight and eyes the color of onyx pools, set against milky pale skin, Melisande's beauty was ethereal.

Even in the thick darkness Grace had been plunged into upon entering the room, she could still make out the girl's features.

She stood up gracefully as Luke and Grace entered, a dark eyebrow raised in silent question.

"Meli, this is Grace. An... old friend."

"I know who Grace is." Melisande's eyes narrowed into slits. "I thought she'd be more saint-like, though, the way you talk about her."

"I don't-" Luke started to protest, but Melisande's arm on his forearm cut him off.

"Not in lucidity. But that night you got drunk at Pa's birthday party, you rambled on about her for a good twenty minutes before Mom had the sense to quiet you down."

Grace was sure Luke's cheeks were reddening, if hers were any indication.

Luke sighed, gesturing at an overhead light Grace hadn't noticed in her confusion. "Can I...?"

"It's covered," Melisande confirmed, nodding.

Suddenly the room was immersed in light, albeit dim and grainy. Grace glanced around the room, taking in the aluminum covered windows, partially veiled by curtains, as well as the strange plastic over the lights.

"UV protectants," Melisande supplied, her voice breathy, and off of Grace's cloudy gaze, "You didn't tell her," this part thrown accusatorily at Luke.

"It... didn't come up?"

It was then Grace's mind starting pulling together the facts. Melisande's unnaturally pale skin, the lack of sunlight, the UV protectants...

"Are you an albino?" Grace asked, instantly wishing she had a filter between mind and mouth.

Melisande only laughed, even her laughter oddly musical. "Wouldn't I have pink eyes or something?"

Grace frowned. "Oh, right."

Melisande stared at Luke for a minute before sighing. "XP. It's kind of like I'm allergic to light."

Grace gulped. Now how the _hell_ do you respond to that?

Well, the only way she knew how.

"Oh."

Melisande let out a small laugh. "It's not as bad as it sounds, really. I can do everything any other person can. Just not in the sunlight. My DNA can't be repaired, so any damage..." She trailed off, her words hanging in the air like smoke, too heavy to take in without choking on them.

"Oh."

Melisande shrugged. "With Uncle Luke's help, though, it's not bad. He had special lights and filters installed, so it's safe to be inside, and a room can be normal when I'm not in it."

Luke cleared his throat. "Were you sleeping, Meli? I didn't realize that you would've gotten in a few hours ago."

"No. I was just reading. My tutor gave me a lot of homework yesterday, so..." Melisande paused. "Why are we talking about me? I'm pretty sure what's going on in your life is more interesting," she smiled, gesturing toward Grace. "Are you pregnant?" she asked bluntly, her eyes running down Grace's body.

Grace shivered at the intensity. "Yeah, but how...?"

"It's one of her talents, Grace. Even if you weren't showing, she'd probably pick it up in your body language."

Melisande nodded, eyes narrowing to slits. "Hands crossed over your stomach, scrunched forward... are you embarassed?"

"No. I'm just... I don't know how you could know. Or how he could tell," Grace muttered, turning to glare at Luke.

Melisande raised an eyebrow, gaze flickering between Grace and Luke, before lingering on her uncle. When he didn't pick up the meaning a minute later, she sighed. "Could you give us some girl time, Uncle Luke?"

Luke laughed, already stepping toward the stairwell. "Sure."  
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Luke had been gone for a few minutes, but Melisande had failed to say anything. Instead, she studied Grace, teeth biting her bottom lip in thought.

"You're concerned," she said finally, her tone so light it was almost lilting

Grace frowned. "No, not really. No more so than I normally am." It unnerved her this teenage girl could read her so well.

Melisande shook her head. "I've spent my whole life interacting with family and tutors and doctors, and in the dark. It gets boring. If there's anything I've learned to do, it's read people."

"So what am I thinking right now?" Grace challenged.

Melisande heaved a sigh, as if it were the most stupid question she'd ever heard. "That you shouldn't be listening to some kid you just met. And I'd agree. If you didn't know I was right."

Grace's expression faltered momentarily and she sighed. "I'm just confused, that's all."

"About the baby?"

"About everything. But yeah, the baby is high on that list. I... I don't know. I think something's wrong. I shouldn't be big enough that I show yet, unless I miscalculated by... a few weeks, I guess. And it's possible, but..." Grace trailed off, realizing the girl she was talking to was, in fact, a kid, despite her maturity. "Well, it's not likely."

"And that's it?"

"No. I've been sick a lot."

"Isn't that a symptom of pregnancy?"

Grace sighed. "More than normal."

Melisande nodded. "Have you spoken to a doctor about your concerns?"

Grace groaned, bringing her hands to her head. "Aren't I supposed to be the adult?"  
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End file.
